Habits
by rakasklaine
Summary: Find a guy, believe that he's The One until you can't anymore, then dump him and never look back, then start over; that's Kurt's New York life in a nutshell. Until Blaine, the pretty young face behind the counter of his favourite coffee shop, manages to break Kurt's self-imposed pattern, no matter how hard Kurt fights the change. A story based on Maria Mena's song Habits. AU.
1. I am a creature of habit

**Author's note: **Hey, I started a new story! Actually, I've been planning this for a long while, but I could never really decide if it's any good or not. I'm still not too sure to be honest, but I'll let you say what you think. It's gonna be angsty more than fluffy, but it's also a lot about getting better and finding real love, so don't be too afraid.

I've built the story on the lyrics of Maria Mena's song Habits. (It's a great song and you should definitely listen to it to know what this is about!... And even if you're not going to read this.) It's going to consist of short chapters, each of which are based on one line of the song, although not necessarily in the order of song, but more in the order of what works for this story.

I don't know yet how long this is going to be or how long it's going to take for me to finish it, as I have some other stuff in real life that I really should focus on right now. I mostly decided to post this, because 1gleefan pleaded me to write more klaine, and how could I say no to such a nice request. :) I'm not making any promises about posting schedule, but do know, that I'm usually most motivated to write more and faster by reviews from my readers telling me that they want to read more. ;)

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Glee or it's characters, nor do I own Maria Mena's song lyrics.

* * *

**I am a creature of habit**

"Hey, jerk! You almost made me spill coffee on my hundred-dollar shirt!" Kurt shouts after the receding back of the man, who pushed past him in his hurry to reach the trains. The man turns back enough to shrug but then continues without saying anything.

Typical. It fits the day Kurt's having, and it definitely isn't Kurt Hummel's day. He's returning from the Vogue offices after a difficult day, after his idea being deemed too risky and not doable, and after overhearing some people gossip about him and the guy he met at work, who he has been dating. It wasn't really bad gossip, but it irks him to no end, because he knows, _knows_ that this guy isn't good for him and the guy has to go. He's been lying to himself long enough, but it's coming to him now, in an annoyingly (depressingly) familiar way. In that particular way that Kurt knows he can't push the feeling back any longer. The guy is just a mistake in a long line of mistakes.

He looks at the line in front of him, waiting to get on the metro, and it's not hard at all to change that image of strangers into the mental image of all the guys he's dated only to realise that it was once again just his mind giving him false hope and trying to hold back the loneliness that threatens to cripple his heart every single day, somewhere deep down. And if he's brutally honest to himself (which he tries to avoid as much as possible on a normal day), he probably picked all those guys for one reason only: they are people he would never end up with permanently. They are safe, boring and not at all his type, kind and unthreatening- perfectly replaceable, nothing to miss after it's all over.

Kurt sits in the artificially lit car, looking around at the people, most of them probably returning from work, and thinks of how many times he's done this. How many days he has returned from work, at this exact same hour, on this exact same train, only to return to his apartment he shares with his only real friend Santana. And more than that, how many times he's travelled the way home, knowing he will have a date that night, on which he is going to break up with his hopelessly infatuated boyfriend that he can't pretend to like anymore. It scares him, how normal this feels, how he doesn't even feel the guilt and disappointment anymore, because there's nothing new for him in this. He knows the script, has gone through it more times than he cares to remember. Like a habit: meet a guy, make him like you, pretend you like them back, lie to yourself that you're content as long as you can, until you can't anymore, and then break up because there's no other way out if it.

Kurt doesn't think he's hurting these guys on purpose. He's an extremely good liar, and especially when it comes to lying to himself. He picks these guys on purpose, and deep down he always knows it, but on the surface he can convince himself that it's not like that this time, that this guy could be the right one, that this guy is different and special. And he believes it, he works his hardest to believe it, even defends them and himself to the scoffing, bored Santana. Until that one day, when it all rises from the dark corners of his head back to the surface and he can't keep up the lie, because it feels like he's suffocating under it.

He reaches the right station and steps out, climbs the stairs and looks at the scenery he has looked at so many times it's almost forgotten, like the feeling of your clothes against your skin. For some strange reason he notices it today, more than before. Like when a grain of sand gets under your clothes and suddenly it itches and you can't forget the feeling of it or your clothes. Then he notices that there's some sort of minor roadwork in process. Maybe that's his grain of sand.

He stops at the right building, another piece of clothing, presses the elevator to the right floor and gets in. Santana isn't home, which just means she's been held up at work. In a sense they're a really good pair of friends for each other, they both are so predictable in their own fiercely proud and independent, yet self-destructive ways, that they have no problem knowing what the other is doing or thinking or planning at any given time.

He sits down on the sofa, and only has time to watch a few minutes of the not at all interesting (and also in that sense, safe) late afternoon shows, when he hears the door slide open and sees Santana entering. She sits down with a sigh and crosses her booted legs in a way that tells Kurt she hasn't had such a great day either. It seems neither of them do, very often.

"Not a great day?" Kurt asks, as a substitute for a greeting, more than a real question.

"Not really, no."

"Me neither." Kurt let's out a breath, and Santana turns to look at him with a knowing look.

"You finally got your head out of your figurative ass -_again_- and realised the blonde puppy terrier is not good for you -_again_?" she sneers, but Kurt can hear the undertone of sympathy, even if it comes with a strong sense of exasperation. In these moments, when he's seeing things clearly and admitting things to himself, he can totally understand it - not that Santana has any podium to stand on, as she's just as fucked up as he is, when it comes to relationships. The only difference is, that she doesn't even pretend the girls she brings home are the right ones for her, she just fucks, then sends them home without her number or any promises, and does her best to pretend it doesn't hurt her just a little inside, every time. It doesn't make her comments about the long line of Kurt's so called mister Rights any less true, though. It does seem like they both see each other's mistakes much clearer than their own.

"Yes. I'm gonna meet him today," Kurt sighs. Santana rises up to go to the bathroom, with a smirk and a "good luck with that." But when she passes Kurt on the sofa, she rubs his shoulder and promises to have the ice cream ready. And that's really what makes them so good friends, in the end, because they never leave each other to suffer of their own mistakes alone, even if they know the history is just going to repeat itself again and again.

/

"It's not working."

"What? Why? I thought we were having a nice time together, I thought we had something-"

"No we didn't. I pretended we did, but we really didn't."

"How can you say that?"

"Because it's true. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, feel free to dislike me or whatever makes it easier for you. You're not a bad guy, you're just not the kind of guy I would ever feel anything for."

"You told me the opposite just yesterday!"

"Well.. I lied. To myself as well, but it was a lie anyway."

"Is there anything I could do to-"

"No, there really isn't."

"Fuck you."

/

Afterwards, he doesn't even use the name of the guy in his head. He's just another guy in the long line waiting for the metro, going back to where ever he came from. He just takes the train home and finds Santana waiting with their usual brand of post-breakup ice cream and watch bad tv-shows to feel better about themselves.

Yes, Kurt Hummel has all kinds of habits.

* * *

**A/N:** So! Tell me if I should continue with this, or if I should just dump the whole idea and move on.. :) (Blaine is going to appear in the next part, I promise!)


	2. I move in circles around you

**Author's note: **I got myself a beta almost by accident, and it's so exciting! :) So finally my writings are betaed, and hopefully that much more enjoyable for you peeps to read! :) So thank jobelle516 for being such a nice person and helpful beta! :)

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing, still, and no money is made of this.

* * *

**I move in circles around you**

...

There's a time in everyone's life when you meet someone who is going to change your life, without you even realising how much your life changed that day, until much, much later. It's not really that dramatic at all, it doesn't come with warning bells or flashing red lights. It just happens, the same way that one guy ruined Kurt's shirt just days before. The fact is, most of the time those seemingly random meeting really don't mean anything more than what they seem. But then there are those one or two, that turn out to be the most crucial meetings of your life.

It happens in the same coffee shop that Kurt visits every single morning, before going to the Vogue office for the day. It happens with the same guy that makes his coffee most of those mornings, even though Kurt's never really been aware of the guy's existence before. It happens with the smallest change in a thoroughly rehearsed routine, the tiniest grain of sand that got under a well-worn shirt.

A bell dingles above Kurt's head when he enters the shop, the familiar, comforting sound of normalcy. He waits in the line, as usual, he goes through his emails on his phone as usual, and then orders the non-fat mocha when it's his turn, as usual. But that's when the circle cracks.

"I'm so sorry, mister, but there's been a mistake in our supply orders, so we don't have any non-fat milk in the house currently. Someone is out getting it as we speak, but it's going to take at least fifteen minutes. Would you accept normal mocha this time, or can I make you any other drink? Or you could wait for it too, if you want? It's on the house of course, what ever you want."

For the first time Kurt really looks at the person behind the counter. He sees him as the young, quite nice-looking guy, with dark curly hair, who's probably working in the coffee shop to earn his living while he studies, or saves money to study, or is waiting for some better opportunity to arise. He also sees a guy, who is genuinely sorry, and looking quite embarrassed and uncomfortable telling the news, like he feels personally responsible. Kurt feels irritated, but he also knows it's most probably not the guy's fault - unless it was him who placed the wrong order -, and knows the familiar feeling of helpless disappointment, when something out of his control is messing with his work. So Kurt tries to be nice.

"Oh, ok. Well, I can't stay to wait, so I guess the normal mocha is fine this time. Just be sure to tell your manager, that my hips do not appreciate the mistake." There, a joke, even if it's awkward and not really funny at all. It should help the guy feel a little less like shit. The guy rubs his neck and grins a little ruefully.

"I'll make sure to deliver your message." He gives the order to the girl making the drinks, before looking back with an apology in his hazel - quite pretty, if he thinks about it - eyes. "I really am sorry about this. And like I said, it's on the house, so no need to pay." Kurt puts his wallet away and smiles back, even if it is just the slightest bit strained. No matter what, he doesn't like cracks in his carefully laid out days.

"It's fine, and thank you. Have a nice day."

"You too, mister."

/

It is entirely possible, that Kurt might have forgotten the guy behind the coffee shop counter, if not for the bunch of idiots, who had punched in the wrong number in an order, resulting in Kurt now having a fabric that is very close to what he had ordered, but not quite. Which is just as bad as ordering red and getting blue instead. Actually, if he really thinks about it, that latter option might not even have been as bad, because the blue he might have been able to use later, but this shade of red is just subtly different from the one he needed, and also completely hideous. He rants to one of the interns that had made the mistake for a while, then dooms himself to finding other stuff to do, until he can get the order re-delivered.

As he glares at the wrong fabric still lying on his desk, he is reminded of the guy who also didn't have the right milk because of a mistake in delivery. He too had seemed frustrated, because someone else had messed up, and he had been the one to deliver the bad news and take the comments and complaints personally, even though it had in no way been his fault. It seems very similar to what Kurt was experiencing, a déjà vu almost, even if the art the two of them make every day is very different.

In the evening, when he gets home, he tells Santana about a cute red-haired guy he'd met on the train home. He gushes about how the guy had complimented his clothes, given him his phone number, and asked him to go on a date within the next week, with promises of flowers and romance in his gorgeous green eyes. He acts giddy, and there's actually not a trace of lie in what he says, because he really did meet a guy and the guy really was that cute (or at least cute enough to be exaggerated a little), and the guy really did seem like he wanted all that with Kurt. And if he does feel an uneasy, warning twist in his stomach as he says all this, and if he has to force the gushing and the enthusiasm just the slightest bit, it doesn't matter, because Kurt would rather take the romance the redhead can offer him than face being alone and, more dangerously, what feelings and memories and truths it can bring out in him, again.

/

The next day, as Kurt enters the coffee shop to get his daily cup, he actually looks up and searches the curly haired man out until their eyes meet, even though he has no idea why he feels the need to do so. There is a twist in his chest that says there might be a reason, but he's too afraid to know it. The man greets him with a smile and a reassurance, that they have non-fat milk again and that he wouldn't have to worry about the quality of his coffee. He wonders if the man has always been familiar with his face and his usual order, or if it was a recent development, caused by the unusual happening yesterday. He doesn't know why it matters, or if it even does.

For some reason, after that day it seems impossible for him not to notice the man, whenever he's working, even when he's making drinks in the background instead of working at the counter, and somehow Kurt finds them greeting each other familiarly every time, as if they're some sort of acquaintances. Kurt wonders if they are. He wonders if he even wants them to be. He also wonders how can it be, that even after the redhead has come and gone, he can't get the nameless man in the coffee shop out of his head.

* * *

**A/N**: Blaine is in da (coffee) house! What do you think? :)


	3. I must be crazy to want this

**Author's** **note: **The third chapter is here, finally. It's been long, because my deadline for sending the first complete version of my master's thesis to my supervisor is next week, so I've been quite busy with it, and will be until Wednesday 13th. But I'll get a break after that, so I'll have more time and brain energy for this story then!

First of all, thanks for all of you who have reviewed and favorited and followed the story. :) Without you, I wouldn't be writing this. Obviously. O.o

And also, thank you for the wonderful jobelle516, who has betaed this for me, and hasn't given up, despite all the technical difficulties us two first-timers have been facing.. :)

**Disclaimer:** I do not own glee or any of it's characters.

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**I must be crazy to want this**

**...**

As Blaine walks from the metro station towards the coffee house for the first day of work, he can't help but feel like it's going to be a good day. He enjoys the feeling with all his might, because it's the first time in a long while since he's felt any kind of hope or, dare he say it, happiness. The last few months - or years really - haven't been so great and there's been a lot of changes lately, but it feels like something is going to finally change for the better, this time.

Just a few months ago, he was in NYU, studying pre-law for the second year. He had been attending lessons, trying desperately to keep the grades up, even though the courses were hard and not made any easier by the fact that Blaine couldn't care less about anything he learned - or tried to learn. He had been trying to hold onto scraps of himself, while still being at least a passable son in his father's eyes. An aspiring future lawyer like his dad wanted and not letting his sexual identity be too widely known, at least in the school. Blaine wasn't in the closet, by any means, and it wasn't like his parents didn't accept him being gay, but his father had insisted that 'flaunting' it would just hinder his future career and make him less likely to succeed. And Blaine had agreed to all of it, because he wanted to not be a disappointment, for once. Not in his father's eyes.

He'd had a boyfriend, a nice but kind of distant guy named Chuck, who was also from a rich family and thus wasn't able to be as open about his relationship as he may have wanted. It was something at least. They had each other to hold behind closed doors, a shoulder to press their face into and imagine that they were in love. Until that one day, when Chuck's dad came for a surprise visit and found them together. He told Chuck then, that he would be going on an exchange program, as soon as possible, and as far as possible.

Chuck had looked down at his feet and nodded, and Blaine had seen the moment he gave up in the way his shoulders just fell. Blaine had watched his boyfriend walk away from him without so much as a goodbye, following his father to God knows what future that had been planned for him. And as he watched it happen, Blaine had felt like he had to choose. Either he was going to be like Chuck, bow down and forget anything he ever was, become the clay for his father to make fancy figurines out of, or he would have to leave it all behind and find who he really was. Watching Chuck's back, he didn't feel heartbreak for a lost boyfriend. They both knew they had only ever been a dream for each other. No, he felt heartbreak for losing his father's love, his mother's arms around him, and a road that was paved for him to walk on without having to look around or worry about stepping into a hole and breaking bones.

The next week, Blaine had dropped out of school. And when his father found out, he had let Blaine know, in no uncertain terms, that he would not be supported, emotionally or financially, in anything he does until he comes back to his senses and goes back to law school. God help it if he had another son that went into some ridiculous show business instead of following their parents and taking hold of the family business later on. He said it was for Blaine's own good, of course, and Blaine heard the conviction that said he really believed it. It only hurt that much more. So Blaine moved from the dorms to a dingy apartment in a not so family friendly neighbourhood, and watched what little money he had disappear as he tried to find a job.

The job at the coffee house he had found a few days back, is such a relief. Even though he has some money his father can't take back, he still desperately needs the paychecks to keep going. It's something to do, while he tries to figure out what to do with his life, and wait to apply for scholarships for any arts and music programs he can think of. He has no real plans, and it's not like a coffee house will be his future, but it's going to be for today, maybe tomorrow, and it makes him smile.

/

That first day working in the shop isn't all that special. He's nervous, like anyone would be when starting a new job. He makes some mistakes before he gets the hang of things, but it's rewarding anyway. The next day is better, he doesn't feel such a fool anymore, and starts to find the confidence in what he does. The third day he's allowed to start practising making drinks and he figures he kind of likes it. It's interesting, and challenging, and oddly makes him think about making music.

The morning of his fourth day a man steps into the shop, in tight jeans and a button-up shirt with a fox printed on it - and is that a fox tail on his belt? - and Blaine suddenly feels just the slightest bit dizzy. It's not really that dramatic, but it feels dramatic, if only because he's sure he won't see such a striking face, or body, very often. He serves the man, fumbles around a bit but generally does fine by now, and the man doesn't really even look at him, instead focusing on his phone.

Blaine develops something that he likes to call an innocent and harmless fantasy crush. It's nice, because it gives him something to look forward to every day, and there's no worries of anything actually happening. He finds out the man's name pretty soon, as they write the names of the customers on their cups, obviously. Sometimes he doodles Kurt's name repeatedly on napkins lying around, and imagines things he never really is going to do, like writing his number on a napkin instead and giving it to Kurt with his coffee. They are pretty little thoughts, and they make him happy, because as long as they stay a fantasy, there isn't a chance for anyone to get hurt or for him to ruin things.

It's a harmless crush, because Kurt never even sees him, and he doubts Kurt even knows Blaine exists. Until that one day, when there is a mix-up in the delivery and they get the wrong kind of milk. Until the moment Blaine has to tell Kurt that he can't have the drink he wants, and Kurt looks him in the eyes for the first time. At first Blaine feels his heart make a pleasant twist, such a delicate little ache, as he sees those blue-green eyes settle on him. The next second those same eyes feel utterly terrifying, because for the first time something is real, perhaps way too real. And what a pretty colour reality is.

* * *

**A/N:** Now we see a little of what's going on with Blaine.. What do you think? :)


	4. I will admit there's a pattern

**Author's note:** Chapter four after a long time. But I turned in the first complete version of my thesis, so now I'm free from that for a while. :) Although now that the stress is gone, my body seems to react by making up all kinds of stupid health problems.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own glee or any of it's characters. I also don't own Maria Mena's music or lyrics.

**Warning:** I mention Finn's death in this chapter, briefly. It's not going to be in focus in this story, and I'm not making any kind of major plot line out of it, but it's probably going to be mentioned and discussed a few times during this story. If it's a too delicate subject for you to read about still, I completely understand.

* * *

**I will admit there's a pattern**

**...**

One Thursday, not so many weeks after Kurt first noticed the curly haired man behind the coffee house counter, Kurt meets an old friend on the street. He has just left the Vogue building, after another workday when nothing unusual happened - or at least nothing more unusual than an average day in the Vogue offices always is, anyway. He walks on the busy sidewalk, watches the endless buildings tower over him and thinks about how there's really nothing or no one waiting for him. There are so many people around him that it's hard to walk faster than a crawl amongst them - and he is completely alone. He could touch at least twenty people right now just by moving his hands around, and there is no one in this city for him. Oh, he knows there is Santana, a constant in his life that he can't even bear to think losing. He knows he is needed at Vogue, he knows all of that. But just at this moment, he feels like he is standing in the middle of all these faceless bodies and doesn't even know if he's alive. If anyone cares that he's alive.

Kurt doesn't cry often. It feels like too much to let all those feelings come out, so mostly he tries his best to keep all these ice cold truths away from his conscious. On most days, he goes around his safe, surpriseless days like it's the best thing he could imagine. Like there's nothing at all he would change even if he could. Right now Kurt feels like he could cry, feels a tear dangerously close to falling.

That's when a clear, excited female voice shouts at him from the side.

"Kurt, is that you? Oh my, Kurt!" Kurt turns to look at the source of the voice, although he already knows exactly who it is. Even if they haven't talked in a long while, the voice of Rachel Berry is hard to forget.

He used to be best friends with Rachel. He used to dream with her, about New York and the bright lights of Broadway. They used to have sleepovers, long nights singing duets and painting castles in the wind. Always so damn optimistic that the mere memory makes Kurt's chest ache. That was before Rachel got her acceptance letter for NYADA and Kurt got no acceptance letters at all. It was before Kurt had fallen in love with Chandler, and planned their wedding and the name of their first child and the interior design of their nursing home room for when they're old, only for Chandler to tell him at his graduation party, that it was all just two teenagers playing. That they were never in love, or at least Chandler wasn't.

It was before his brother, Rachel's on-and-off fiancé, had died, and the last remaining pieces of the beautiful world he'd once lived in fell on the ground in pieces. It was one surprise too many for him to want any more surprises for a while.

He hasn't seen Rachel since the memorial week. He hasn't seen most of his old friends since then; Santana is the only one that has stayed in his life, a perfect roommate and friend and partner for the new Kurt that had lost his dreams. The new Kurt that had lost his belief in himself and his ability to have someone love him and keep it that way, and lost his trust in people staying in general. The new Kurt that had lost his trust in surprises and change and taking risks.

And now Rachel is just suddenly there, talking to him. Right then Kurt feels too alone to not hold onto anyone, who actually looks at him and sees him and doesn't want to look away immediately. He takes her arm when she offers it and walks with her, while she tells about her graduation from NYADA and the small part she got in an off-Broadway show. It feels almost strange, how normal it feels to walk and listen to her talk about herself. Almost like there are no ghosts circling the two of them anymore. Almost, almost like old times.

When Rachel asks him to join her for a karaoke night at the Callbacks bar that evening, he agrees.

/

Rachel steps on the stage for her third ballad that evening, and Kurt doesn't know why he's even there. He doesn't sing, hasn't sung in a long time, actually. He doesn't know Rachel's friends, the bar is unfamiliar and it's full of strangers, who have too much hope in their eyes for Kurt to be comfortable. Just the thought of singing makes him want to run, not because it sounds scary or bad, but because he wants to do it so bad. He wants to sing, but with singing comes so many dangerous feelings and memories, singing breaks down the carefully raised walls between him and the world and also, between the old him and this new existence he's gotten used to. Singing would be so great and so very dangerous.

He thinks of leaving, but it's not that easy. Santana won't be home that night, and an empty house feels just as scary as staying, after getting in this close proximity to his past and all that he's lost or never even had in the first place.

As Rachel's voice rises to the last modulation of the song and fills the room with drama and emotion, Kurt notices an achingly familiar face amongst the crowd.

The coffee house guy. He's sitting at the bar with a beer in his hands, a beautiful, bright smile on his face, a happy glint in his eyes as he talks with a guy Kurt also remembers vaguely from the coffee house. The nameless curly haired guy, dressed in tight red jeans, a black short sleeved shirt and a bow tie snuck tightly around his neck. The stupidly beautiful nameless guy with his stupidly beautiful eyes that are impossible to forget, no matter how hard Kurt tries.

Without really thinking about it, Kurt walks to the bar and orders a drink from the barista, who seems busy admiring (or rather, ogling) Rachel as she belts out the ending lines of the song. If Kurt happens to sit down right next to the coffee house guy, it's totally by an accident.

/

Blaine is laughing at Wes's rather unlucky story about how he lost his chance with the girl he has a crush on, when he feels someone sit next to him. He turns, half unconsciously, to see who it is, and sees Kurt. He freezes for a second, because this is the last place he would ever have expected to see the always so neatly dressed and business-looking Kurt. Then he freezes for another second, because he realizes that his fantasy crush Kurt just sat next to him in a bar, and he can see just how tight those pants are now that Kurt is sitting next to him with his legs crossed and oh God, he's staring. It's _Kurt_, and Blaine is really not prepared for meeting the guy outside the coffee house and he doesn't know what he should do. He's panicking inside, just a little, debating with himself whether he should say something or not, when -

"Hello. I just realized I never even found out your name, and you've been serving my coffee for God knows how long."

/

Kurt doesn't know what has gotten into him. He doesn't just approach cute strangers, he waits for them to come to him. This is completely out of his comfort zone, he doesn't have a scheme for this. But he can't take the opening line away, so he just has to roll with it now. And honestly, learning the name of the nameless guy in the coffee shop would make his conflicted thoughts about him a lot easier to phrase, at the very least. To hell with comfort zones, he thinks for one exhilarating second, and smiles to the cute man next to him.

"Hi. I'm Blaine, and you're Kurt, I presume?" _Blaine. It's a nice name._ Kurt notices that Blaine seems just the slightest bit flustered. It's not really different from how he seems in the coffee house, maybe it's just heightened in this new, unfamiliar environment.

"Yes. I am," he smiles, and to his own surprise, the smile feels natural, uncontrolled, not the least bit contained. It scares him, because if there's something Kurt needs, it's control. This is new, and new always comes with so many risks, no matter how good it feels at first.

"Is it weird that I know your coffee order by heart, when you didn't even know my name until a minute ago?" Blaine asks, and it's clearly a joke, but also slightly off, like it didn't quite come out the way he had meant it to. It's almost like Blaine is nervous, and doesn't even really try to hide it. It's a new concept for Kurt, who hides every sign of weakness in him from others, to not give anybody any weapons against him. It's almost like Blaine is offering him a handgun with a wink and a smile. It's unnerving.

"Well, in some other situation it might veer towards stalkerish, but you do work in the coffee house, so I'd say it comes with the territory," Kurt says, feeling weird and yet weirdly at ease at the same time.

For a few precious minutes they smile, make pointless small-talk, and laugh at silly, not even that funny jokes. They look each other in the eyes and Kurt sees his own reflection amidst the amused sparkle of brown and green. The sight startles Kurt, almost like he's forgotten himself for a moment.

Kurt feels like he should ask Blaine out. For a real date, maybe. He wants to, he really does. But it's only safe the other way around, it's only safe when someone else asks him. There's no chance of rejection that way. It's not safe to ask, it's not safe to break the pattern he's so carefully held onto for years now. He knows he might lose something because of a silly rule of never taking the first step (or any step), and he knows it's unhealthy and not a way to actually live. He also knows he won't be able to break out of it tonight.

After a few more pleasantries, he says a quick goodbye to Blaine. Leaves him sitting at the bar looking mildly confused and a bit disappointed at the abrupt ending of their conversation. He forgets that he came with Rachel and leaves to go home, knowing that even if Santana won't be there, at least there will be ice-cream in the freezer.

* * *

**A/N:** What did you think of Kurt and Blaine's first real conversation? :)


	5. One I've created myself

**Author's note:** Hey! I'm sorry this took so long... My life and health and lack of inspiration got in the way of writing... Thank you jobelle516 for your support and your grammar corrections and all the rest!

I hope this chapter is worth the wait, anyway. :)

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Glee or any of the characters. Also no money is made of this. Duh.

* * *

**One I've created myself**

**...**

It takes Kurt exactly three days to find someone more suitable for his pattern to date. For one, this man asks him out straight away, so Kurt doesn't have to feel unsure of what to do or try the pain of approaching someone himself. Also, this man is clearly self-assured but also very calm and kind. He's the kind of person who you can trust to never be mean to you or knowingly hurt you. It means that even Kurt, who has trouble trusting anyone, including himself, can almost be sure about this man. Kurt doesn't feel much passion or excitement towards him, and he doesn't really see any kind of unique, intriguing personality in the man, but at least he's safe, available and there for him to use as a shield against uncomfortable, scary thoughts.

They meet in the coffee house. Blaine isn't working that day. Kurt is standing in the line when this man with friendly, twinkling blue eyes and kind smile comes standing behind him and compliments his outfit. The comment doesn't feel completely honest, not in the way that indicates the man is lying, but in the way that says 'I'm interested in you, and even though I don't know anything about fashion, you seem to enjoy it, so this should be a good opening line.'

It's a simple, nice line, and those blue eyes checking out his body don't feel lewd or suggestive, they just admire him like a work of art. It makes Kurt feel warm, in a way he so rarely feels. It's very easy to say yes, when the man pays for his coffee and asks him to meet him later for a cup of coffee that they actually have time to share.

As they leave, Kurt glances back towards the counter, searching for another, far more dangerous pair of eyes. When he only sees two unfamiliar girls, he somehow feels a hollow place form in his chest. He refuses to think about it, because at least the other parts of him are pleasantly full with the idea of a coffee date with a guy who almost certainly won't hurt him, or accidentally get him hurt.

Somewhere deep down Kurt knows that he feels no spark, no romantic feeling towards this man, very unlike Blaine and his beautiful hazel eyes sparkling with promises and danger. But that's exactly what makes choosing this man over Blaine so much easier, so much safer to do. No danger of hurting his heart this way.

**/**

It's another day working at the coffee house and Blaine feels in his gut that it's going to be a long one. He waits for the highlight of his work day - Kurt - with mixed feelings. On one hand, he's happy about seeing his crush again, but then, Kurt isn't a fantasy crush anymore. What Blaine feels is very much a real crush on a real person. And now that they have met and talked outside of the customer-barista-setting, everything seems so much more complicated. It had been nice, talking with Kurt. And Kurt was so much more gorgeous up close. But he was also much more confusing. They had talked and it had been easy and free. Blaine had been almost sure it was going to lead to - something, at least. And then Kurt had left, suddenly and without a warning, and Blaine was left with a few mostly meaningless sentences and a wordless disappointment rolling in his stomach.

He looks up absent-mindedly as the door dings signaling another customer entering. He startles when he sees it's Kurt, half and hour earlier than his normal time. Kurt's never early.

Kurt stands in line and Blaine watches him get nearer to the counter, as he serves the people in front of him, attention divided. At first it seems almost as if Kurt isn't going to even look at him. But when he's first in line, Kurt finally raises his head and smiles at Blaine. It's a small, slightly awkward smile, but not unfriendly. Blaine thinks he understands the feeling behind it. Neither of them probably knows whether to go back to being a friendly customer and barista, or whether they are something a tiny bit more, different, now that they have talked outside these walls.

They don't say much, nothing more than he would say with any customer. It's 'regular?' and 'please' and 'thank you' and then Kurt is gone. Except, he's not really gone. Blaine watches, perplexed, as Kurt sits down into one of the tables instead of leaving for work. Kurt never sits down, never stays. Blaine doesn't even see the next few customers he serves, until one of them goes and sits with Kurt, greeting him with a hug and a warm smile.

Blaine feels like something stabbing him in the chest, a sharp, sharp knife of revelation. He knew, of course he knew, that Kurt might be seeing someone, might even be engaged or married with kids for all he knows. (Although there is no ring, or photos in Kurt's wallet - not that Blaine's paid any attention to it.) But seeing this now, there's no chance for misunderstandings in the way this stranger looks at Kurt with a glimmer of wonder in his eyes. Blaine can't read Kurt's face at all, but then again, it's always been hard to read the guy and his galaxy eyes.

Blaine can't push away the feeling of betrayal. He is painfully aware that his crush is still very much that - a one-sided, wistful crush. But he can't make himself believe that there wasn't anything going on between the two of them in the karaoke bar a few days ago. Not in the words of course, or even in any non-verbal gestures, but more in the easy tinkle of laughter, and the feeling of nervous hope against hope for something more. It didn't feel completely one-sided then.

Blaine excuses himself from the counter to making the coffees in the back, and watches as the two men talk and laugh, and how the round-faced man ever so lightly touches Kurt's hand. Kurt looks up at Blaine then, and Blaine can almost swear he sees some quiet surrender in his eyes. Blaine's pretty sure his own eyes can't completely hide the unfounded betrayal he feels. Kurt's eyes are almost apologetic. But the look disappears fast, and then Kurt says something to the man in front of him, takes a firmer hold of his hands, and rises. They walk away hand in hand and Blaine feels bile rise into his throat.

/

They're sitting at a table in a pretty and peaceful, somewhat expensive restaurant. There's a candle on the table, and the dishes on the menu seem wonderful. The man with blue eyes and a round face looks at him with admiration in his eyes. _This is supposed to be very romantic_, Kurt thinks. _This is supposed to make his heart flutter. _Instead, his heart feels heavy, and breathing isn't as natural as it should be.

Kurt glances at his watch. Only ten minutes. He's been there only ten minutes, and he already wants to leave. Something just doesn't feel right, and bad thoughts are pushing in his head no matter how hard he works to keep them away. The friendly blue eyes don't feel warming anymore, now they make him cold instead. Because he can remember another pair of eyes, those stupid, pretty, unforgettable eyes, that had looked so very disappointed when Kurt held the hand of another. _I haven't done anything wrong,_ he tries to remind himself. _I never promised him anything, never even gave a hint._

"Kurt?" a voice breaks through his inner talk.

"Huh?" Kurt startles, realizing that the man has been talking to him. "Oh, I'm sorry.. Got lost in thought for a second," he apologizes with a blush.

"More like two minutes," the man chuckles, not offended. "What's going on? Is there someone more handsome in your mind's eyes that you'd rather look at?" he teases. Kurt's shoulders fall and his face drains of the blush. And before he's ready to deny everything, the man's smile falls into a more bittersweet one, as he says "There is, isn't there?" Kurt wants to deny it, but the man didn't ask him a question, just stated a fact. No use for Kurt to deny it, the man already knows.

"Yeah, I guess there is," he breathes out, wondering what has changed so fundamentally that he sits here on a date with one man and admits he's thinking of another. He never thinks about men he would have to chase. He never thinks about anyone that would come with uncertainty and chance of denial, of failure, of pain. And he certainly never admits it out loud to near strangers, if he does. The air feels painful in his lungs, like there isn't enough room for it.

"I have to go," Kurt states, and stands up so abruptly that his chair makes a loud screech. A few faces turn their way, both curious and annoyed.

The man with the kind, blue eyes looks at him with a sad but still friendly smile, and only says "Good luck."

/

When Kurt enters the door, Santana is sitting there on the sofa, tv playing some random reality show. Santana doesn't look up immediately, eyes transfixed on the happenings of the show. For a few seconds Kurt watches his friend with a tenderness and affection so strong it hurts. He might be messed up, he might be hurting, and he might not have a clue of what to do, but Santana would never turn him away. She will mock him, she will tell him painful truths, she will call him on his bullshit, but she will always, always be there. The only person Kurt somehow has learned to trust in this big city full of busy people and uncaring faces.

"What's up, porcelain? Was your date that bad in bed?" Santana sneers as the show goes on a commercial break.

"No," Kurt answers, not even the slightest bit annoyed. It surprises him, as usually he defends his dates and his own feelings with all kinds of barriers, until Santana eventually manages to tear them down. "It just.. didn't feel right."

"No shit," Santana deadpans. "Let me guess, the coffee house hobbit has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with this, right?"

Kurt almost let's out the reflexive '_No, of course not!_,' until he stops and swallows it down. It's hard to deny anymore, how much space Blaine has got in his mind. How much that look of disappointment and even pain that Blaine gave him as he left the shop this morning still haunts him and makes the air he breathes liquid.

"No, I think it has a lot do with him," he finally admits, with an almost non-existent voice. Santana looks up fast, with a clear look of disbelief on her face.

"What?" It's clear she never expected him to actually admit it. Kurt didn't expect to actually admit it, either. Santana shakes her head as if to get out of a stupor. "Did you seriously just say that?" Kurt only grimaces at her question, still standing in the doorway.

"This is quite radical, you know?" she says, and this time it's more soft, said with a hint of caring and even happiness. Happiness for what, Kurt doesn't know. He only feels pain at the moment.

"This is terrifying," Kurt points out instead.

"This is the first time I've seen you actually interested in a guy and not just a safe distraction, since.."

"Since what?" Kurt asks sharply, suddenly feeling defensive again.

"Since… Chandler," Santana says quietly. The minute the name gets out in the air, Kurt turns around and steps out of the door without a word. He bangs it behind him, to send a message. _How dare she mention _him_, like he isn't dealing with enough bad thoughts already. _

Suddenly, he can't keep the thoughts away anymore. He loses the fight, and all those lines of thinking just flood his head, like a haunted house just exploded and all the horrors got out in the open. Except, they aren't really that horrible after all. Hard to accept, sure, and terrifying in what they could mean. But not evil, not in themselves.

He realizes the blue eyed man meant nothing. He was just a safe distraction, like Santana said. A warm body to keep away the cold and the loneliness. The latest safe distraction in a long line of safe distractions, whose names he has already forgotten. He doesn't remember their names, because the names never mattered. They didn't matter, the only thing that mattered was what the absence of a distraction meant.

And then there is Blaine. Blaine with pretty eyes and a name he cannot forget, no matter how hard he has tried. Blaine that is everything but safe, and also infinitely more than a distraction. Something he fears to gain, because the possibility of ending up losing it, or having to face the uncertainty, the unknown of a relationship that offers so much but gives no guarantee of what's to come.

He knows he's kept going for the distractions, because it's safer and easier. They're so much simpler, but also so much emptier, so much more meaningless. The most important revelation is this: it's a pattern he himself created, so he also has the power to break it. No need for some divine intervention. Somehow Santana mentioning Chandler as the beginning of this long line of nameless men makes him want to end it with another name. The name could turn as foul as Chandler's did, it could end up even more catastrophic, but some bout of madness makes him not care. Instead of returning inside, he runs down the stairs and gets on the next train back to the city center.

He runs into the coffee house, and exhales in relief when the ding of the door makes Blaine come out of the backroom, eyes widening as he takes in Kurt in the doorway. Blaine hasn't yet gone home, and Kurt thanks all the gods he doesn't believe in for this little gift, because he doesn't know if he would ever have dared to do this again. Kurt hopes he doesn't imagine the glimmer of hope in Blaine's expression. He walks to the counter, breathless and hair in a mess, and asks,

"Go out with me on a date?"

* * *

**A/N:** Oooh! What do you think Blaine will do? :P


End file.
